I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
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You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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