There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
