I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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