You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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