well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
