God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
