Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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