I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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