pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
