I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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