do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
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oh my god i'm in a crawl space
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
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I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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