well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
