Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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