I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
