if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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