don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
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Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
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How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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