the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
