By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
