He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
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