FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
