My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
