woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
