You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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