Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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