my text book just quoted the cookie monster
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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