Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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