Already got asked if we're dating
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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