At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
