someone threw a dead crab at me
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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