Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
