Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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