I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i believe in u and ur pee
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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