i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
We left the knife in your bed.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
