if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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