You really coming over, don't trick.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
