She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Why is there bacon in the couch?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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