I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
