im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
