I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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