I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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