Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
