New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize