The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
