I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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