I hate your face
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
