if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
