So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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