Three words: puerto rican gang bang
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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