went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
