I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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