So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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