I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Pants are for mortals
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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