he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
