she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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