MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
