Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
