I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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