sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
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Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
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I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut