Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Randomize
