I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
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Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
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You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.