A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
