Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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